Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My life is pants optional.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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