he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
