i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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