This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
