you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
