dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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