Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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