Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
