Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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