I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
time to smoke my breakfast
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
