sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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