I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
