I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
