i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm always down for nudity.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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