rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
