glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
