Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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