theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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