just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
