I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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