I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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