I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to make a zoo with you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
