Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
