dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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