Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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