I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Boobs are out for the taking
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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