I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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