if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
