trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
