Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wish there were birth control emojis
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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