I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
