Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
