There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
