We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
