I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
did i walk over a car last night?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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