In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Small penises have feelings too.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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