I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
