You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
