I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
