this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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