...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
