I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's official drugs can't kill me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
