Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
