Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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