you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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