I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
