I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
