it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
