I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
