shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
