If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
