Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
